Big Boat. Bigger Day.

It’s one thing to believe you can do something. Knowing you can is something else altogether.

About a this time last year,  my husband and I took friends out for a cruise on “the boat”. I remember taking my turn at the helm of our 40ft, 1954 Chris Craft while everyone else went below after drinks and snacks. It was a beautiful afternoon and it was a special time with dear friends but I felt like I was being slowly crushed alive by the weight of loss, lack of control and fear of an unknown future.

In that moment, standing on the fly bridge, looking out across the water, wind and sun on my face I felt free and hopeful for the first time in months.  I could see myself happy again. Or at least not miserable.  If you’ve ever spent time in that desperate state, you understand how amazing the state of “not miserable” can seem. The pursuit of happiness sounds way too much to aim for.

Through the ups and downs( mostly downs) of the year from that would follow that day, I often thought back to that moment and imagining what it would be like to wake up every morning on the water, spend evenings back at the helm. Just big water and and sunshine and possibilities ahead of me.

Over the year I’ve made a shift from a constant feeling of loss - Waking every morning thinking of how, when where along the way did I lose the love I thought couldn’t be lost. When did I lose respect and care of the person I trusted most in the world.  Where did I lose my confidence, and worse fear of loss that hadn’t happened yet, loss I knew was inevitable . Loss of my house that I’d put so much of myself into to make a home, my sweet, beloved geriatric pup whose time was shorter every day.

Through the darkest times, I could always go to the boat and work and think and dream.  I could believe in a brighter time to come.

Today I am in a place where I still cry some days for the losses, but I see the possibilities.  Big holes mean big spaces for great things and I am excited way more than I am sad or angry.

I think a lot of brave and capable people stop short of fulfilling dreams because they believe that hey can do anything but taking action that takes you from believing to knowing is terrifying.

Today was a giant leap for me on my journey from believing to knowing.

Thank you for joining me on the journey that lies ahead. Let's get to tripping on Xta-Sea!